Meeting Notes 7/31 NVC Call

We talked about one of the basic assumptions that creates the foundation for NVC, which is the belief that it is in our nature to enjoy giving a receiving in a compassionate manner.

NVC is a way of thinking, speaking, and listening that lets us give from the heart, connect with ourselves, and with each other in a way that lets our natural compassion flourish.

It’s pretty clear that a lot of people are NOT operating from a position of compassion. Why not?

What gets in our way of compassion?

Our society is operated with “domination structures” – some people are better than others and get to control others, other people are inferior and are submissive and obedient.

How is this enforced?

#1 – Through a language where people are disconnected from their own power. A language that is static and describes people as good, bad, right, wrong, normal, abnormal, judges their behavior, their appearance, their intelligence.

• moralistic judgements
• analyzing others
• comparisons

#2 – Through the concept of retributive justice – if you are judged as bad by [whoever] then you deserve to be punished. If you are judged as good, then you deserve to be rewarded. This combination is at the heart of violence.

What is different about the language of NVC?

NVC focuses on our needs – if our needs are not being fulfilled, let’s take action that fulfills our needs. If our needs are being fulfilled – let’s celebrate!

In previous calls we’ve touched on the 4 components – observations, feelings, needs, requests. As a shorthand, but also to highlight what’s really going on here, lest we get stuck in process and formality, Marshall calls these “what’s alive in us”.

When we share the NVC process, we’re sharing what’s alive in us – in our hearts and minds. What we’ve observed that stands out to us. Our vulnerable feelings. Our powerful needs. What we request to make life more wonderful for us. When we hear these things from others, we’re hearing what’s alive for them, inside them. When we work together to create empathy with another person we are literally making more life, more aliveness for both of us!

One focus of NVC is taking actions for the sole purpose of enhancing our own well-being. Only doing that which makes us feel more alive. Only giving what we can give out of joy.

When we give from the heart, out of the joy of enriching another person’s life, this kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. We can be delighted at how we contribute to another’s joy. The receiver can enjoy our giving without worrying about the consequences of gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain.

When we give out of a reason other than joy, we’re not doing the other person any favors! We are only building distrust and resentment between us. Usually, if we give someone something we don’t want to give – we make them pay for it!

We talked about the successes and difficulties we’ve had extended compassion to our parents.